005

i said i didn't care.

i lied.

004 creatures of habit

oh, how we are cursed, wretched, disgusting little creatures of habit.

i have been here, long before.

i lie in the same position, under the same covers, and cry the same silent tears. i read the same things and listen to the same music that makes me want to crawl to a corner and stop breathing, if only.

and once again i find myself falling.
falling.
falling.
falling.

003 just a thought

do you know what it feels like to reach a point where most things stop making sense and the rest don't matter anyway?

i'm there, and i want to leave more than anything. i've reached the point where i'm looking for depressing things to feed my depression.

i need to go home.

i need him.

002 conundrum

i think my relationship is coming undone - not beyond repair, but certainly enough to break my heart. we fight over the smallest things and i don't know why anymore. i am willing to do anything to keep this relationship going. i just wish he'd understand.

but on the flip side, it hurts to see him tell another girl he loves her.

001 hello

so i've had a remarkably terrible week, and at this moment in time, things don't seem to show any possibility of getting better. what should've been an incredible winter break with my family (sans dad, thus incredible) is fast turning into something out of the O.C., and i don't mean this in the whole i-am-rich-hot-and-popular-and-i-am-surrounded-by-my rich-hot-and-popular-friends-so-cry-us-a-river kind of way.

i've had to handle a birthday in tears, period cramps from hell, almost daily talks with daddy dearest and a near breakup with the boyfriend, all of which was essentially my fault, which makes this week even worse than it was.

basil says i need this blog as a release so i stop pseudo-subtle-emo-ing over things like facebook and friendster and i suppose that is why i'm here. truth be told, i know he just wants entertainment from this side of the world, even though he denies it vehemently.

this blog will be about being in a long distance relationship, because it's not just a factor in your life - it's a lifestyle.

kindly note that what i write is simply a matter of opinion (mine), and it certainly isn't a "subtle jab" at my boyfriend. i have his number on speed dial if there's anything i need to tell him, and believe me, i do tell him. this blog is just a release for me - no hidden agendas, no hidden pain. i'm not trying to give the world front row seats to my life, and i most certainly never will. i will, however, try to keep this blog as close to what i'm feeling (normally uppity and happy) as i possibly can. lord knows there are more than enough emo kids out there. i've spent most of my teenage life making fun of them, and unless cutting myself suddenly becomes more appealing as a recreational activity one day, i plan to keep it that way.

there will be days when i am happy and my posts will be witty (and by witty i mean not acerbically sarcastic), and there will be days when i will sound like my world is crashing down around me (because he really does mean that much to me).

now pardon me while i drown you in cliches.

you have been warned. welcome to my world.